Learning

Sometimes it takes years to understand why we did something.

We may have believed we were protecting someone when we were really protecting ourselves.

We may have called something courage that was actually anger. Or convinced ourselves we had no choice because we didn’t want to face the choices we had.

Sometimes we discover that we were frightened. Sometimes that we were selfish. Sometimes both.

And sometimes we still don’t know.

Looking honestly at ourselves isn’t always comfortable. We may find things we don’t particularly like.

But there’s a difference between understanding ourselves and excusing ourselves.

Understanding doesn’t undo the hurt we may have caused. It doesn’t guarantee that we’ll behave differently next time.

We can understand why we did something and still do it again.

But sometimes understanding changes something.

We recognize a familiar fear before it takes over. We catch ourselves making an excuse we’ve made before. We see someone else’s weakness with a little more compassion because we’ve recognized it in ourselves.

And sometimes we find the courage to make a different choice.

Not always.

But sometimes.

We can’t go back and become the person we were.

But we can stop being strangers to that person.

And perhaps understand a little more about the person we’re becoming.